Confessions of a Dying Woman:9:Country Edition

 Dear Miss Myrtle,

How are you and your puss them doing? It’s been a few months now since I have last seen you. You just start keep to yourself so from the other day, since me start ask you back for my money that you borrow form Whappie kill Phillup.  I can’t understand why you would be hiding from me, and me and you no live so. In fact, of all the people them that you borrow money from, I am the least to do you anything. 

When Miss Gertrude will obeah you and give you big foot like what she give to Mass Leeford, and Miss Spinny will fight you, I won’t do anything of the sorts to you, for we have been friends for many years now.  I don’t know what you borrowed the money to do, but me  know say, it wasn’t to go to the embassy to get your visa because you don’t even have birth certificate much less a passport. Bev, say she hear say is want you want the money to tie mass Melvin to you because the stewpeas didn’t work. 

Source

 Anyway, enough about the money that you borrow from me, that I could use to put towards my funeral or leave for my daughter in Kingston. I am just writing you because Pastor James said that in order to make it right with the Lord, I have to confess to the ones that I have wronged. I haven’t really wronged you, not that much because I was the one who knocked your back when the stinking toe (locust) was choking you and I was there to help you up when you drop off the donkey back. 

I have been a good friend to you, because all now I haven’t told anyone that four out of the six children them you have don’t belong to Mass Melvin.  The two first big girls belong to Mass Jasper and the two last boys belong to Mass Johnny. That is why Miss Spinny no like you because the two girls them a dead stamp a Mass Jasper, with the same bend up foot them. It is also the reason that you can take any amount of goods at Mass Johnny likkle bruk down frownzy shop and him don’t put your name on the cardboard that him put out front with the people them name and the amount them owe. I never see smoke without fire.

Now back to the issue at hand. I am sorry that you got kicked off the choir and they took away your membership to the church. To be honest, they did us the congregation a favor when they asked you to step down from the choir because Lord knows you can’t sing. You always off key and high pitch like you trying to out sing everybody. I can never understand why your voice have to be trembling like it nervous and why you have to tear out your mouth so wide like a door way.

 If you never so extra, the fly wouldn’t go down your throat that faithful Sunday and Pastor James wouldn't have to be rebuking and binding up the devil from the pit of hell. Bev, had the nerve to say that fly is attracted to certain scent, like fish and rubbish and your mouth probably raw. I had to put her in her place because she was passing her place because I know that, that is not the reason why the young people them in the church don’t want you to pray for them when Pastor James do altar call.

The real reason they kicked you off the choir and revoke your church membership is because you did a thief the church money. I saw you pocketing the Lord’s money and Pastor James money that him need to add on upstairs to his house while I was waiting for you so we can walk home together after church.  You were an Usher so it wasn’t strange for you to have access to the offering collection. It was easy for you to usher some of the money in your purse. I didn’t feel the need to say anything because they say “He who keepeth his mouth keepeth his life”.   

When I realized that all of a sudden you start having nuff money, I was happy because I said to myself now Miss Myrtle can give me back the money that she owes me. You stop go Mass Percy shop and bawl out two pounds of chicken and then knock you back so him can know say a chicken back you a buy. You start buy the whole chicken, salt fish and salt mackerel, things you couldn’t afford to buy before. I asked you to pay me back the money that you owe me because it look like you run into some money and you keep on telling me that you don’t forget me and you soon pay me. Up until today not even one red cent you no give me back.  

 When I heard Pastor James complaining that the church collection is decreasing and he might have to increase the amount in tithes that he asked from the members, I knew that I had to speak up. Then, suddenly a voice say to me "The truth shall set you free". As an obedient Christian, I listened to the voice and I told Pastor James that you were borrowing  the church money like how him borrow it sometimes therefore, he should not ask everyone to pay more tithes but just increase you and him  tithes alone. 

He didn’t take too kindly to that at all and started plea the blood of Jesus against me but really and truly all he did was spit -spit up in me face and nearly drown me. All piece of callaloo that was hitched up in a him teeth fly out on me.  He  even told me that I should give back the Salvation Army church uniform, but I had to point out that is my money me use give Miss Dorothy the dressmaker to make my uniform. Furthermore, it cannot fit neither him nor him chubby bokkle (bottle) shape wife that got pregnant for his brother.  To be honest Miss Myrtle, I didn’t know that he would kick you off the choir  and tek back your uniform, the tambourine and the hymn book for something as simple as thiefing church money when him a theif it to.  For that I am very sorry, because if I didn’t tell Pastor James, you would still be coming to church on Sundays and nobody would be calling you theifing  Murkle.

Anyway, I hope that the shame from borrowing people money and not paying them back and theifing church money won't stop you from coming to my funeral. Do not pay any mind to the hypocrite people dem in the district because your sin no more than their sin. May the good Lord of Daniel, Moses and Issac guide and protect you from the pestilence that falleth by night and walketh by day.

Your Friend and Neighbour

Miss Madge